Today will be difficult. Today will be one week since my husband took his own life. All of the days have been difficult but the funeral makes it seem so final.
This has been the hardest week I’ve ever had. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. Combine everything I’ve been through before and multiply it by 100 and it’s still not as painful.
Most of the time I can at least keep my composure. But I often break down and fall apart. The hardest thing has been my girls. Winnie seems to get it way more than I thought she would. When I said “Daddy had some owies in his head and in his heart so he died and went to heaven.” She said “No, Daddy died because his heart broked.” Very true.
I took two days to figure out how to explain it to her before I said anything and talked to several people who can relate somehow for advice. I decided to be open with her and use some of the exact words. Of course she doesn’t understand what suicide is, and won’t for several years, but she does seem to mostly understand the finality of all of this. I gave her specific examples, “Daddy will not be able to take you to the park anymore.” “Daddy won’t brush your teeth anymore. Mommy will do it.” “When we read at night and say prayers, Daddy won’t be here so I’m going to do it now.” She keeps repeating these things back to me and it’s heartbreaking every time, “Mommy, you need to brush my teeth tonight cause Daddy is up in heaven.”
The mornings and the evenings are the most difficult. My theory is that is because at that time Denny was home from work and he was a very involved Dad. When he got home, he was happy to take the kids 100% so that I could get stuff done that I had been trying to do all day. He’d always get Winnie some breakfast in the mornings and situated before me and baby came out for prayers.
We really made a great team. We just worked well together and were happy to help each other. Now, Winnie and Piper both are a mess in the mornings, evenings, and even Winnie has been having nightmares every night. Winnie is usually the sweetest and easiest little girl. The last few days she has been screaming and hitting and not listening to me, all while she refuses to be away from me. It’s not her. And Piper has always been a bit of a grump, but she’s crying 10x as much and is even more clingy to me. It has been every night and most mornings with both girls grabbing onto me, trying to push the other off, and screaming and crying while refusing to let go or go to anyone else. I know this is normal given the circumstances. But that doesn’t make it any easier. That’s when it hits that I have to do this on my own now. I can have ten of their favorite people in the room and they refuse to let someone else step in. And seeing how tormented they both are. It breaks me.
I am broken but I am also resilient. I have been through a lot all before I reach my 30th birthday. Im not sure if it’s comforting that I had no choice in any of these things or if it makes me feel a lack of control in my life. I really don’t know. But it really doesn’t matter because we are here now. People keep telling me I am strong and brave. Thank you. I need to keep hearing this. But I will tell you like I have told everyone else, none of this is by choice. I am strong and brave because life has thrown way too many curve balls (baseball reference for my Denny).
I like to do things on my own. But this time I can’t. And I’m so grateful for the friends and family members who have stepped up to bring me diapers, Diet Coke, food, hugs, just someone to talk to, stories about Denny, things to make me feel beautiful and that help me to take care of myself, more food, and more Diet Coke. I will always accept Diet Coke. But I do have a very full fridge of food right now ☺️
I hate asking for things. I want to be independent. Maybe that’s why God keeps giving me all of these things. To teach me to ask and to humble me to the point that I don’t have any other choice. Most in my situation would be getting the husbands salary for several years with life insurance. Denny attempted to every year but was always denied from his Crohn’s disease. I am now left figuring out how to provide for a family when I haven’t ever had a grown up job with a salary and I haven’t even worked part time in 6+ years. I do have my Bachelor’s degree from BYU. Which is comforting. And is a huge bonus.
But what I’m saying is… I’m so grateful for those who have given even $1 to me. And those who have given way more. And those who have said they are going to do a benefit for me and give me proceeds. It’s embarrassing to ask for money. It’s embarrassing to ask for any help but asking for money is so taboo. But what people have given has given me so much comfort. I now have a few months to heal from the trauma. I can stay in my home for a few more months. I can get my girls stable and on a schedule and at least get my baby past the age of one. These girls are going to suffer from this trauma for the rest of their lives so I want to do whatever I can to help them to prevent as much difficulty as possible.
Thank you. Thank you so so much. I have definitely been humbled (hopefully God will see I learned this time around). Even $1 helps. That’s a meal for me or my child. I know people want to help and don’t know how. Down the road I’ll need more emotional support too. But for now, finding a way to survive for a while so that we can all heal without me having to move and go right into a full time job and completely disrupt my whole kids lives…. THANK YOU. That is healing. That is helping me have less fear. I’m still scared. But that is one huge way that has helped me.
Please feel free to share the links. I need all of the help I can get. And I am so so grateful.
And please say a prayer to help me get through the day.