It’s weird how you can have ten thousand feelings going on at once but still feel numb somehow too. I don’t know how to explain it but I’m sure those of you who have suffered a loss will understand to an extent. I don’t think there are many things that are more traumatic than losing your spouse or significant other to suicide, especially when you have babies. There are definitely a small handful of things out there that could be as traumatic or more traumatic. But I don’t want to say/type any of them out loud because I keep saying, “Well, it can’t get worse than that,” and then it does. That’s just kinda how the last decade or so of my life has been. 
I’m not mad at God. I’m not mad at humanity. Or society. But I definitely am annoyed by God. And I think that’s okay to say. It sucks. It really does. But it is what it is and I am here now. Just would love s ten minute break sometime. 
People keep saying how I’m so strong or brave or handling this so well. None of that is by choice. I’m only strong because I’ve been through a lot before. I’m only brave because I am forced to be for my babies. I am only handling this so well because I don’t have any other choice. And although it looks as though I’m handling it well, let me tell you I am constantly on the edge of a break down. 
I don’t want to have to figure out bank accounts and credit cards and passwords. I don’t want to have to call xfinity and then go there 18 times to get rid of the expensive sports channels only a week and a half after my husband’s death. I don’t want to have to talk about IRA’s and a new health insurance plan and picking out a headstone. But it’s reality right now. I went from having a spouse with a great income and a great job to being completely alone with no life insurance or any back up. This has been the biggest worry since day one of his death. I am a planner and a very logical person. So I instantly thought, how am I going to do this for these girls. And I need everyone to know how grateful I am. For however much you have contributed. THANK YOU. I can take a few months to just heal and allow my kids to heal. Thank you for for allowing me to do that. I appreciate every penny that has or will come and promise to use it cautiously and only for the benefit of my girls. I am cutting everything down to only the essentials and will do whatever I have to in order to give them what they need.  
It’s weird how I want to just sit and sob and let someone hold me while I uncontrollably cry. But I also just want to keep all my tears in my eyeballs and get stuff done. I don’t think there’s anyone out there who I’d want to sob into either except Denny or my Savior. And that’s not something that I can physically do. 
I miss my best friend. I miss my teammate and partner and love. I’ve never trusted someone the way I trusted him. I’ve never believed in someone the way I did him. And I’ve never had someone believe in me that way. I miss him and it just sucks that he’s gone. 
Everyone has appreciated me posting about how you can help me. Let me share that update…
(1) Visits. And not just hanging out but if you want to read my girls a book or paint with Winnie or hold Piper while I get some phone calls made, that’s even better. Right now they do better at home most of the day. But you can take them on a walk around our buildings, take W to the park nearby, or whatever. That’s amazing. They can be here, and I  can keep them on a schedule, but they can still get stimulation that I’m struggling to provide them right now. 
(2) Aaaaand just hanging out with me. Talking with me. Telling me funny things. And just show up. I have been gone an hour or two every day. But most of the time I am home. If you give me the option, and it’s during one of the harder moments, I’ll find an excuse. Or just text me and tell me you’re coming and when. Don’t give me the option. Unless you’re a creepy psychopath. Then please don’t come. 
(3) Sharing the crap out of my Venmo and gofundme. The more people contribute, the longer I can be financially stable and not stress about getting a full time job, take my time finding a great job. Heal before I have to do that stuff. People want to help. Even $1. They just need to hear about it. So I am humbly accepting all help. If you can’t contribute, share share share. Someone will be able to help who knows you. 
(4) People want to provide meals but I don’t think
I’ve eaten a full meal in almost 2 weeks. #griefweightlossplan And my girls just like snacks. So snacks are good. Pouches, granola bars, ready to eat cut up fruit and veggies (amazing), fruit snacks, cracker or gold fish little bags, little packs with the cheese and fruit and nuts, cookies from Crumbl… and Diet Coke. You guys have really showed up on the Diet Coke and THANK YOU for that. The nectar of the gods that gives me strength to overcome (but really cause I can’t function without excessive amounts of caffeine right now). 
(5) Most importantly, pray for me, or do some voodoo juju, sniff some essential oils in my honor, send me good vibes, sage a room, idk if these are even real things, but whatever it is you believe in. And don’t just say you’ll pray for me. But mention me and my girls by name (Winnie and Piper btw). We always say we’re praying for people but I think it’s usually just an empty promise and a lovely thought that doesn’t ever happen. 
(6) Send me your stories about Denny. Write them down. Text them to me. Send me a video (thank you Jose Miguel de Hoyos that made my day). Send them to You don’t think you’ll forget. But you will start to forget soon. Please please share them with me. 
Some important things to note: People need to stop being afraid that they are going to offend me. Remember people, I was married to Denny. Unless you tell me I’m a terrible human and a bad mother, I probably won’t be offended. Also, don’t feel like you have to say anything about it if you’re uncomfortable. Just tell me you love me if you can’t go there right now. Trust me, I know. It’s weird. No one knows what to say. AND, let me make weird jokes. The only reason I have survived all of the weird things that have happened in my life is because of (1) my belief and faith in Jesus Christ, (2) Denny and my amazing support system, and (3) Weird, sick, uncomfortable jokes and still making fun of Denny with Thom. #shortjokes

One thought on “Numb

  1. Hi! I have just started reading your blog and instagram. I just want to say that I’m proud of you. I love you so much even though I don’t know you. (hopefully that’s not too creepy to say haha) I wish we lived closer so I could help more, but hopefully one day I can! Your family is amazing, your girls are so resilient, and you are so funny! Keep going. You’re doing great.

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