Yesterday was a very emotional day. I’m constantly up and down. I do have really good days and most of the time we can function relatively normally, but some days just suck. My girls are still sick and only want mom so it’s hard to feel like I can function at all. Winnie wants daddy too obviously but knows that isn’t happening. She keeps sobbing and saying “I want Daddy, I want Daddy, I want Daddy to hold me.” And then she always pauses for a second and says, “But daddy can’t hold me cause he’s up in heaven.” I don’t know what happens exactly when we die, but I do believe our loved ones watch over us and really are our guardian angels. I haven’t “felt” Denny as constantly lately, but I know he’s around. As I was talking with an old friend the other day, we wondered what it must be like for him. Imagine after you take your own life and you are now your loved ones guardian angel. But you can’t protect them from the emotions and consequences they are feeling and dealing with from the loss. I just imagine Denny is a mess, wishing so badly he could take the pain away from us. I don’t know how it works, but maybe he’s standing in the same room while I’m holding two screaming and super sick girls and I’m sobbing not knowing how to do this or how I’m going to get through this. And he can’t do anything about it. I imagine that must be painful. And it makes me sad. Sad that we have to do this and go down this traumatic and painful journey. Sad that he has to suffer too even though I know (although delusional) he thought he was doing the best thing for us. Sad that none of this was by our own choice-Me, Piper, or Winnie and we are the ones who have to suffer and pick up the pieces. I am 1000% sure that if he could have seen one second of the pain we’d be experiencing, he wouldn’t have done that. I feel like it would have snapped him out of it. Maybe that’s too hopeful. But he was so protective of the three of us. He could not handle it when one of us was in pain (physically or emotionally). And now look at these girls. I’m doing everything I can to keep them stable and healthy, but they are still going to suffer the rest of their lives, somehow, every single day.

One thought on “Up and Down

  1. This post absolutely breaks my heart for you and your girls. I’m so terribly sorry that you are having to go through this. I somehow stumbled upon your post on FB and it led me to reading your story. I lost my dad and mom in a murder/suicide when I was only 12 years old. I had two younger brothers to live for and they kept me going as your girls are keeping you. I know it’s hard right now and 18 years later, I can’t say it isn’t still hard at times, but i/we made it through it as tough as it was. Keep pushing through, this site and the transparency in your posts are helping others understand the reality of suicide and how families/loved ones feel as a result of it. Thank you for sharing your story and helping spread the reality of this tragedy. Your daughters will see that in you and realize when they are older how awesome of a mom (and dad) they have.

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