There are so many things you don’t think about until you’re in my situation. Like where do I want to be buried or what I want my headstone to look like. These are things you shouldn’t have to worry about at my age.

There are things we did talk about when he was dying of sepsis in 2016 so I at least knew what he wanted at his funeral service: “God Save the King” as an opening or closing hymn, the lyrics of Last Christmas by Wham! printed in his program, his brother to do the Wrath of Khan Spock Speech, to be buried in a Star Trek capsule thing, and to have metal music played as the prelude and postlude music to the service-the only one I couldn’t really swing. He had very specific desires. What can I say? The guy knew what he wanted. But I didn’t know what he wanted for anything else.

Luckily we had to do a will and power of attorney stuff back when he was sick too so that was all already taken care of which relieved a lot of stress (DO THIS IF YOU ARE MARRIED).

But what about his things? Just when it comes to stuff: What of Denny’s things do I need to keep for my girls and preserve that they’ll want when they get older. What amount can I realistically keep and store of my hoarder husband’s things? I’m more of a minimalist and have never been super attached to things. But now I cant get rid of anything and I’m attached to his old argyle socks that have holes in them. It’s weird. Will I regret throwing away his tax returns from 2005 that he apparently saved? What should I give to each person who was significant in his life? What is most meaningful to me?

There are other things I don’t want to think about. And, I know, do them only when you’re ready. And I will. But I still think about it. Like when to take off my ring. I can’t take it off. In the eyes of the world, I’m now single. I looked at my church records the other day on the app and it just had my name where Denny’s used to be right next to mine. I’m seen as single. Traditionally, widows put their wedding ring on their right hand instead of keeping it on their left. But that scares me. I don’t want to be single. In my mind I’m still married. It’s weird. Will it help me mentally if I can take it off? Will it help with my healing and getting my independence and strength? Or will it just make me sad to have a constant reminder that he’s gone?

Putting my name on the headstone. I bought two graves. I put my name on the headstone. Lots of people are surprised by this. But what else am I supposed to do? Just because I’m only 29 doesn’t mean I have to get married again. I’m not anywhere interested in dating anytime in the near future. Maybe that’ll change. We are only a month out. But for now that’s how it is. And it’s hard for me to imagine wanting to be with anyone else. I just miss him. I don’t want anyone else. I’m sealed to him for time and all eternity (In The Church is Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints this is a very big deal). I won’t just plan on getting married again. Do I want an on-earth dad physically here for my kids? Sure. But I don’t want to get remarried. So if you know of a way I can make that work, let me know. Denny is my person. We helped heal each other and got each other through some of the hardest things one can endure in this life. He was the best thing to ever happen to me and I was the best thing to ever happen to him. He was my best friend. So headstone? I’m on it.

There’s all of these decisions I have to make and suddenly I’m making hard decisions on my own. Well, with God, but not with Denny is what I mean.

But I do have a lot of support. My church congregation has been the biggest support. And so many friends. People who I haven’t talked to in years call or show up out of the blue. It’s amazing. It helps me so much. I talk with these people about a lot of these things: decisions, fears, new stresses. And I talk about them with people who probably are like, “Why are you telling me this?” But it helps me. And people are kind and understanding. And give as much advice as they can since most of them have no idea what they would do either.

Thank you. Thank you for just being there. Thank you for listening/reading. Thank you ❤️

Kisses from Winnie…

2 thoughts on “The Details

  1. I lost my partner 3 years ago to suicide and it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever been through, nothing can prepare you for what’s happened, there’s so much support for you but it’s the last thing you want, all you want is to have them back.
    You don’t need to justify yourself to anyone, you deal with it the best way you feel you need to and want to.
    It’s been 3 years and it never gets easier, you just learn to live without them, without choice and it sucks. It’s hard and it feels horrible but no one can replace him, he was your person, the one you chose.
    Grieve in the way you want to without everyone else’s input and look after your beautiful family along the way. ❤️

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