Piper started walking a few weeks ago right around 11 months. It’s such a huge milestone. But it’s almost impossible for me to be really excited about it. This might be the first video I’ve taken of her walking actually. But it’s just kind of a reminder that Denny isn’t here to celebrate and enjoy it. He was so good at celebrating his kids and the little things they did. He would be especially proud of Piper for being an early walker because he wanted a little athlete he could live his childhood dreams through.
I feel guilt for it. I had postpartum depression after she was born. Not terrible, but it was definitely there. My mom died a few days after we found out we were having a girl. And it was crazy hard for me. But with the postpartum I feel like I missed so much of those first few months. It’s all foggy. It was hard. And she was a difficult baby. Allergic to everything I ate. And then I was sick. I had vertigo for almost six weeks after and wasn’t functioning very well. Sometimes hard things happen all at the same time and it is a recipe for disaster… or for postpartum depression.
I was doing so much better in recent months. I finally felt like I was getting it together. Denny was amazing through all of it and just took over whatever he needed to in order to support me and help me through it. But now it’s just me figuring it out.
I don’t feel like I’m not allowed to be happy. I know I am. That’s not the problem. And I still have lots of fun with my girls. But when it’s a big milestone like this, it’s hard. And it makes me sad. And I just miss my person celebrating it with me. No one appreciates a child’s milestones like their parents do. And now it’s just me. It’s just hard. I’m sure it’ll get somewhat easier over time. But I know this coming month will be very difficult with it being Piper’s first birthday, Mother’s Day, and then our 5 year Anniversary. It’s weird that milestones are so hard. And I hate that I know it’s going to be hard for me to enjoy even more things in Piper’s life after already missing the months I suffered from PPD.
This can’t be something Denny thought about when he took his life. I know him well enough to know certain things he thought about. But I bet this wasn’t one of them. I bet he never imagined himself missing out on all of these milestones and birthdays and celebrations. I bet he didn’t think how hard it would be for me to try and celebrate these on my own. I bet he didn’t think about how sad these girls would be on birthdays and Christmas and all of those things. Because if he would have realized how painful it would be for us, he wouldn’t have done what he did.
Something I’ve been hearing a lot from people is that they had a plan or suicidal ideation or kept thinking their people would be better off without them, and they now are seeing how this would affect everyone around them by watching my posts. Whether you have a spouse and kids or not, whether you think you have people to live for or not, don’t do this. You are needed. You are not a burden. As one person who messaged me privately said… Even on your worst day, it’s better for you to be here than to not be here. I promise if you leave it will cause so much pain. It will not be better for your loved ones. Please reach out to someone and get the help you need. Please don’t let this continue to happen. It has to stop.