If you are planning a suicide. If you have attempted suicide. If you are considering suicide. If you have ever considered suicide. If someone you know has considered suicide. I want you to read this. I want you to read this and then go back and read my whole story. Read my first post. Read Denny’s obituary. Read the posts about when it happened. Watch the videos of my girls. And tell me if I’ve changed your mind. If I haven’t, read them again and let me tell you more details.

Tonight is hell. I keep saying, “I think we’ve been through the worst of it,” then we have a night like this. It’s been over three hours now that both girls have been screaming at me. Both hyperventilating. Winnie is in so much pain from losing her dad and doesn’t know how to deal with it. She doesn’t know how to express it. She hit me today several dozen times and tried to bite me. She never hit me or bit me ever before Denny died. She’s a mess.

I’ve been taking her to therapy. She’s been diagnosed with PTSD. She is 3. She has to see her therapist 2x per week. She gets triggered by things and acts out. Transitions, like going from one place to another, or changing activities, can make her start demon screaming and hitting and biting. She gets freaked out around anyone dressed anything like a police officer because “they scared mommy and made her cry.” She thought the officers and their radios scared me and that’s why I fell to the floor when they told me Denny had taken his life. She starts physically reacting and tries to get away from them. Loud noises make her cry. She is either super social and loud or hides away and wants nothing to do with anyone except me. She clings to me and will literally dig her nails into my skin if I even try to set her down when she doesn’t want to. She scratches my face and takes out chunks of skin when she’s mad. If she doesn’t get what she wants she screams as loud as she can for as long as she has to until I give in or until she throws up or starts hyperventilating. Oh and she throws up every few days from anxiety. None of these were a part of her a little over seven weeks ago.

Piper doesn’t know what’s going on. Sadly, I don’t think she even thinks about Denny much anymore. I think she’s just too little. But she is affected by her sister’s emotions and my emotions. Even if I don’t show it outwardly, if I have a bad day, she is more needy and whiny and clingy. She’s become much more social over the past few weeks. But on a day like today she screams when anyone else comes near her. She won’t let me put her down. She won’t even go in her swing or high chair. Some people have suggested baby wearing and thank you for that because it has definitely helped! But days like today, neither one wants to be put down. So I end up sitting on the couch holding both girls on and off for hours on end and just staring at the laundry piling up.

I have only slept more than 4-5 hours one night in almost 8 weeks. And I never sleep more than 3 hours before being woken up by one of the girls. I’ve taken a few naps here and there (thanks to amazing humans and the one night of 7 hours of sleep was thanks to Benadryl and my sister). Another woman whose husband also died of suicide recently said she is constantly choking back tears and it’s like she’s always trying not to cry. That’s what I feel like for the large majority of each day the last little while.

I’ve had so many willing to help. And the biggest help is with housework and my kids. My list of things to do grows exponentially and the things that get crossed off are sparse. I try to let as many help as possible so that I can get things done. Sometimes people insist I don’t think about my list and take a nap. That’s always good too. I have too much guilt to take a nap most days though because there is too much to do. And the last two ish weeks, Winnie has been the biggest mess. So I canceled most of the help. Having so many people involved makes her unstable and takes away from her routine. So I haven’t had many breaks. That’s probably why I’m so overwhelmed and feeling like I’m about to break right now.

Just yesterday, I spoke with someone who had attempted suicide. It was not for attention or to get people to feel bad for them. This person genuinely thought their family would be better without them. This person said something like, “I thought of course it would be hard for them for a while, but it’ll be a short amount of pain and then they’ll be so much better off without me here.”

Let me tell you, like I told this person, this is not true. This is a lie that mental illness (or evil spirits or satan or whatever you believe in) tells you. This is a lie. Your people will not be better off without you. Yes, we will get through it. Yes, we will survive. Yes, my girls will have happy and whole and healthy lives. But do you know how much better we would be with him here? Do you know how much work it is going to be? Do you know how tired I am? How worn out I am and how tired my girls are? Emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally…

Tonight I let them cry themselves to sleep for the first time ever. I’m not a “cry it out” person. I am trying to do everything in my power to prevent as much damage as possible. I don’t want to add to the trauma. I am keeping as much routine and consistency as I can. I am trying to keep discipline and healthy habits a prominent part of their lives. I have had to separate ourselves from people who bring drama or chaos right now. I am trying to talk Winnie through her feelings. I’m trying to hold my kids as much as possible and be as present as I possibly can. But after 3 hours I couldn’t do it. I let them cry. I sat there in the room while they cried themselves to sleep, while Winnie just repeated “Mommy…mommy…mommy!”

I feel bad about it. I have guilt tonight. But I’m also so tired. We are over seven weeks into this and this is our new norm. It’s heartbreaking.

We will be okay. But all of this could have been prevented. If Denny would have stayed, we would not be here right now doing all of this. There were other trials we would have faced, but I would take those any day over this. And I guarantee if he knew the damage he was doing, he would too.

If you feel yourself slipping, get help. Talk to someone now. Don’t wait. Stop making excuses. Do everything you can to prevent this. Don’t let yourself get to that point where you can’t turn back. Denny was so loved. He was so needed. And he was definitely not a burden. Not even a tiny bit. You are loved. You are needed. You are not a burden. Stay. Do it for those people you love. I’m not just talking to parents or spouses. If you have kids, siblings, parents, friends, a significant other, uncles, aunts, nieces, nephews, coworkers, neighbors, grandparents, grandchildren, dogs, cats… Do not do this. You don’t know how it will affect people. Choose to stay.

You are loved.

You are needed.

You are not a burden.

After 3 hours of crying and screaming

Winnie at therapy

53 thoughts on “7 Weeks In

  1. So very sorry for you and your little one’s. We all fight demons within us, but we have to win the fight and not give in. After seeing the videos and reading I have a better understanding of just how much everyone is needed in a family. You are a great woman and a great mom, keep your chin up and hug and kiss those girls often. May God bless you and your family.

  2. I don’t know you, but I want you to know I love you. Parenting with two is HARD enough, and what you’ve got to go through…you are AMAZING. I don’t even have the words to express what an incredible job you are doing. I hope you can feel the love of friends, family and strangers carrying you and your precious children through the darkest of times. I pray these long, hard days will be easier to get through, and that you all find the strength to continue on as you’re doing. THANK YOU for all you’re doing, and for turning such a tragedy into a way for people to realize it’s worth staying. You’ve got this!! <3

    1. Dani I’m so proud of you, and amazed that you were able to write at all, let alone so beautifully after such a tragic loss.

      You and your babies are in my prayers. A friend of mine had two small babies just like you, when her beloved husband had a horrible accident at work and died.

      She was so incredibly depressed after losing him, that she didn’t
      know how she could make it, especially raising two small babies alone on top of it.

      She was suicidal also, and started having health problems…

      I told her “You do * one * day at a time, one MINUTE at a time, and just breathe. And anytime bad thoughts come into your head, you get so busy with something, ANYTHING, that takes so much focus, that you get out of your head.

      Create art, do a new hobby, anything. She learned to take cute graphics and make them animated and sparkle etc. with “paint shop pro”.

      She was brilliant at it, and it took so much focus that she stayed out of her head….She put a baby on her lap while she did it, and would ask them what color outfit to use etc. So they did it together, and the babies loved to watch her create things.

      Before she started working with graphics to keep her mind busy, she used to say

      ” I don’t know how I can do this alone until they’re 18…I don’t think I can do this.”

      I’m here to tell you that she made it. The kids are in college now, and she made it.

      So you can do it too. Don’t ever give up.

      I want to tell you something that that family found out the hard way… Of course you’ll have to make your own decisions on this…

      But they found out from experience, that the counseling was actually making ALL THREE of them WORSE. MUCH WORSE.

      They would be having a nice day, then it was time to go to therapy, and talk about bad things again.

      So every time they were doing BETTER, it was time for another
      counseling appointment, so they were put back into the worst thoughts and moods again, OVER AND OVER.

      She finally decided that was crazy-making and it was making the kids act out and have nightmares, and making her much worse too.

      *They finally quit.*

      That’s when they started to heal.

      ALL THREE of them did MUCH BETTER after that. So think about it.

      The counseling was RE-TRAUMATIZING all of them, every appointment. So they were never ALLOWED to have “Good days.”

      There were so many “therapy” days, that they couldn’t heal.

      Blessings to you.
      Dixie

    1. My niece took her life almost 2 years ago. It’s been so rough on my sister and my two boys. They loved her so much, everyone did and still does. I just takes time. No rushing, just one day at a time. Your hearts will slowly heal. Prayers and love sent your way.

  3. Thanks so much for sharing. I wish I lived in Lehi so I could just come feed, fold, and fluff your dear little family.. You truly are blessing so many lives by allowing others to hear your story and serve, I know you’re entitled to angels round about you to bear you up. Please know that you’re loved beyond measure and prayed for always.

  4. Thank you. Your story of strength and love has helped me in so many more ways than you will ever know. You are such a strong and beautiful mother and your girls will definitely see and learn from that. Thank you.

  5. God bless you and your girls. I’ve not gone through the exact same thing, but can imagine what you’re going through.

  6. You are doing an amazing job as a mother. Pat yourself on the back, and walk into the next day ready to take it on with both of your girls in hand. I am a mother of a 5 month old baby girl and I cannot express to you how hard it already is with her father here… you are doing an amazing job. I will not sit here and tell you I know what your going through because sister I don’t. I will not act like I know what you feel because really I don’t… but from one mother to another you really are doing an amazing job with both of your girls in the best way you know how. You are stronger than you think and you and your girls are definitely blessed, it may not feel that way now but you really are.. I send my condolences and my love to you and your family.

  7. You are such an amazing woman. Your kids will realize all that you are doing for them one day and be so grateful. God bless you, you sweet sweet woman

  8. You are so strong. This breaks my heart just reading it. Keep on doing what you’re doing. Because you’re doing Great.

  9. I know my decision would affect my family. I am not niave to that. It’s not that I do not care but it is about me, not them. Suicide can be considered a selfish decision by most but some feel otherwise. My pain is my own no matter how involved my family , professionals, and friends get they can’t wear my pain. It is exclusive to me. I am miserable. To wake up constantly fighting thoughts that so desperately want to turn into actions is so tedious and overwhelming. To maintain the flooding of hopelessness you have to keep pushing back, eventually getting exhausted. It’s almost as if your mind has become your biggest enemy. I call it a void. A blackhole. It sucks up every positive comment ever made to you, every success, all hope, all love, and what little fight you got. Working in the medical field I have taken care of a lot of dying patients, I have seen plenty of patients will themselves into death. They are done. They are weak. They are exhausted. That it was suicide is like to me. I am willing myself into death because I am exhausted. I have seeked help, I have been prescribed medication, and I had therapy 3 times a week for over 2 years. At this point I feel I have given it my best shot. I am going to continue my fight though. I have a son who I want to see grow up to be a man. My fear though at some point wanting to see him grow up will no longer matter to me. That I will ultimately decide that I rather not fight.

    1. Dee, thank you for sharing this story. These are the truthful things we need to hear. I am praying for you. I am so sorry you are going through this and I am in awe of your relentlessness strength to preserver. Some are strong physically but to be mentally strong is another thing all together. We love you Dee!!

    2. I’m so sorry that those feelings are so strong, I hope someday you are able to find something to change that, or at least make life more bearable. I’m sure your son loves every day you are here to hold him, I pray that you are able you fight to see him become a man, to have his own family, and more.

    3. Dearest Dee (even though I’ve never met you), reading your comment saddens me as much as reading Dani’s life story after her husband’s suicide.
      I had suicidal thoughts sometimes, but each time I knew 1/ it’d make many loved ones sad (could be an understatement) 2/ it wouldn’t solve anything 3/ I might think death would end the current misery but who knew death might open up another even bigger misery, an eternal one…
      So I prayed and asked God to help me have a better, more realistic assessment . I know my misery (more of a perpetual frustration ) could never be anything compared to the suffering the Lord Jesus had to go through on the cross or on the road there, and when I didn’t focus on myself or my feelings, things didn’t seem so bad. I also know each person’s experience is her own or his own and can’t be compared with other’s.
      And I’m glad you have your son as a purpose to live, but I also understand your fear of one day that desire might lose its meaning to you, and I’m fearful for you too. I do pray that that day will never happen, very dear Dee. I pray that you will be, like me and many others, able to find the meaning and the purpose of life. The Mended Hearts association of which I’m a member has its saying: “It’s great to be alive… and to help others.” I hope you will try that.
      When I read or hear about someone committing suicide, my heart always aches for that person, and for his or her loved one, but especially for that person. My heart aches because s/he must’ve been so sad, so miserable and what went through their minds in those last hours to push them over. If only someone else could be there to hold their hand and remind them that this is the decision that can be delayed. There’ll be time later. It was delayed before. You’d NOT regret postponing it, or even canceling the thought all together. If only…

      Back to you dear Dee, i think of your “unnamed” pain and I think of your son. He must love you a lot (how old is he?) Would it hurt him so much if the unthinkable happened to you? Would he have to bear that pain with him all his remaining life? Would that mean you inadvertently transfer your pain to him, who you love ❤️ ? If so, will you sacrificially bear your pain for his sake? That he can enjoy life having you with him? Won’t that make your suffering meaningful and thus your living meaningful?

      Yes, please continue to give your best shot every day, and know that your fight is worth every breath. Please know that there’s a “stranger” who prays for you, you and those who suffer like you.

      I would like to hear from you, if I may.

    4. Dee, I am so sorry for the pain the darkness you feel. You think you are weak, but you are strong! You have come so far! You have fought it this long!

      Most parents say they would do anything for their child. They would take their pain. They would take a bullet for them. They would die for them. But would they live for them? You are showing every day that he means more to you than anything. You are willing to go through the pain for his sake. Don’t give up!

    5. You’ve got this, stay strong and never lose sight of your goals. Seeing your little boy grow up will make everything worth the fight. Each day will be better than the one before, you may not see it, but you are one step closer. Sending you love from across the pond. God bless x x

    6. Dee you are so brave to keep going and keep fighting these demons, your post will help so many people to understand this terrible illness and how it affects your thought process, it worries me that medication, support, a loving family and professionals cannot take away your overwhelming pain and that as you say you feel your mind becomes your enemy, please say strong, your son loves and needs you, keep getting any help you can to fight these thoughts and stay alive, don’t let this illness win, keep fighting for your life and keep talking especially in your darkest hours, I wish you peace in your life your an inspiration in highlighting the horrors of this illness, you are stronger than you think 🙌

  10. Hi,
    I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you a d your children are going through. I have a daughter who is almost. I. Can’t. Imagine.
    You are a great mom and support for those girls! I don’t know you or your family but I do live in Riverton, Utah. If you ever need anything, help around the house, groceries picked up, a play date with kids please feel free to contact me. It sounds like you have a ton of support but please know there is more if you need it

  11. I am so sorry. Your husband has lost more than I will ever have in my lifetime. A loving family, children, a partner, a job, a nice home (seen the pictures). Wow. Still couldn’t find enough to keep going. Makes me feel even more suicidal to be honest, because I am not that important or successful to anyone. I got really sick in my teens with kidney failure and was never able to finish school, which has effected my earning prospects, relationships (who wants a sick stupid loser with physical and mental scars?…No one decent, quite honestly. Although all these things do make you a target for bullies and predators, so have to be ever vigilant of that). All the things that give a person worth and self esteem in this life. Wow. Poor guy. Must have been very very sick in the head. Had way, way more than some people will ever have and it was still not enough to remain on this planet. I don’t understand it. I am alive because guns are sadly outlawed where I live, and I don’t want to suffer if it goes wrong. I’m not actively suicidal, but I don’t enjoy life much being scarred, disabled and poor and with no loving partner like what Denny had. Or not having a home of my own (trapped in childhood room with alcoholic mother and father with violent temper) or a steady job with a living wage. Or grades or the money to get grades and better myself. Damn. Poor guy to have all these wonderful things and still want to eat a bullet.

  12. I am heartbroken for you and your sweet girls….. suicide is hard. I never thought it would be something our family would have to go through but in September our world was rocked. It was very unexpected and still very hard to come to terms with. Thank you for being so open . Prayers for you family.

  13. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I can not even imagine how tired you must be and how all these emotions coming out all over the place are draining you. Your beautiful babies, it breaks my heart. I recently lost a dear friend unexpectedly due to health issues. She was like a sister to me. Then I had knee replacement surgery about a month later. I used take meds for anxiety and depression a few years back but just decided one day I didn’t need them anymore. Recently my orthopedic Dr told asked me had I ever had any issues with anxiety or anyt like that. He told me that sometimes traumatic surgeries can kick your brain into that mode. I’m so glad he recognized what I needed. I went to my Dr and got put back on my meds. Bit even after the first week or so I just had days where I felt like I just didn’t matter and if wasn’t here no one would even notice. I had plenty of pain meds from my surgery around and I was actually thinking, maybe I should just take the whole bottle. So I messaged a friend that I was in a really dark place and that I needed them to lift my name up to Jesus immediately. I explained how I was feeling and this friend messaged me back and forth for awhile and sent encouraging scriptures and then prayed for me. I knew that he had prayed because I went to sleep feeling less burdened and weighed down. I no longer wanted to be gone from this world. I felt peaceful. Then in the next week as the meds finally probably started to get my brain levels better, I improved more and my continued to pray for me too. I’m so glad I reached out to my friend. My 5 adult children and my grandbabies and my husband would miss me. A few more ppl recently told me how much I mattered to them. Maybe you can get your older daughter a weighted blanket, they help with anxiety and may help her sleep better. And maybe have someone who makes shirts into teddy bears could make one of your hubby’s shirts into a teddy bear for her. I know that you are an amazing mom just by reading your posts and your girls are blessed to have you. I hope you get some more rest soon. Please allow at least a few of the same ppl to help you. It will become more of your daughters routine, and maybe you can get a nap, don’t feel guilty please. Sleep deprivation can really mess with you. I know easier said than done. Keep doing what you are doing with your sweet girls. Keep cuddling and loving them, and just ignore the laundry. I pray that the Lord will give you comfort and strength and continue to give you the peace that passes all understanding, His peace. So sorry for your loss.

  14. Oh Dee, keep it up! The moment those thoughts enter your head, picture your son. Stay safe. Stay here…please.

  15. Thank you for your strength in allowing us into your life. I have been in that position of thinking that my family would be better off without me, fortunately I had help. It is still something that I think of in particularly dark times but I have managed it day by day.
    Your strength amazes me as does your honesty in this post particularly. I am humbled.
    May I wish you and your beautiful girls all the love you will need to rebuild

  16. Thank you for your strength in allowing us into your life. I have been in that position of thinking that my family would be better off without me, fortunately I had help. It is still something that I think of in particularly dark times but I have managed it day by day.
    Your strength amazes me as does your honesty in this post particularly. I am humbled.
    May I wish you and your beautiful girls all the love you will need to rebuild

  17. My heart aches for you and your babies. There are no words that can soothe this kind of pain…unless you are living it…….nothing seems to help. I lost my husband less than a year ago, after 42 years of marriage, he did not commit suicide, but died slowly bit by bit in a short amount of time from cancer. (less than 2 months). The vacuum left is at times so insurmountable and empty I can not breathe. And I do not have babes to care for. Prayers for your struggle, one day at a time, one step at a time. Look up, and know that you are doing the best you can…right now. Thank you for sharing your journey. God bless these souls, wrap them in your presence, and help them heal Amen.

  18. I’m a 36 year old man with a two year old and another on the way. About 10 yrs ago battling addiction I was on the precipice of suicide but was interrupted. I have been sober ever since. Prior to my addiction I had depressive and suicidal thoughts, and event still I get them now. I am in tears right now reading your story and I have favorited it in case those thought ever become unbearable once again. I’m am so sorry for your loss.

  19. Dani- im not sure if you are in need of a baby carrier but I have a baby mei dai I do not use. I dont mind sending it to you. Please let me know if youd like it via email. It’s an Oscha Cairis in coral roses and perfect for summertime.

  20. My 15-year-old step-daughter, although I call her my own daughter, tried to commit suicide twice, this year. She lives with us solely now and has been fighting depression and anxiety since she was young. Shes been in counseling for 4 years but we couldn’t get her into a psychiatrist because of some custody issues that were actually resolved four days before she tried to take her life.
    My husband suffers from depression and anxiety as well.
    So, sometimes I’m overwhelmed to the max. I’m grateful that the events didn’t turn out worse but Im still affected by it. The trauma of what I had witnessed and the trauma of the reaction of every family member, after explaining what happened, will forever be imprinted in my mind. (They were all sympathetic but some were too emotional for me to handle.)
    Even though our stories are very different, your post was very validating and relatable. I can relate to your selfless efforts of taking care of your family and the chores because “I can deal with my feelings later”. But I’ve learned through therapy that always being selfless actually doesn’t benefit anyone. Self-love benefits everyone.
    So I wanted to tell you that even though you felt exhausted and weak, unable to soothe your babies in that moment, you were actually very strong. You listened to your intuition that told you it’s ok to let your toddlers cry themselves to sleep for one night. It’s ok because in the morning, they will wake up and see mommy is still there. Self-love can feel selfish, but it ultimately teaches our children how to take care of themselves.
    Thank you for being honest and raw. I know it had to be difficult to write this post with the fear of what others might say. But being honest, reminds others (like myself) that we aren’t alone; No matter what role we play in this disease/illness.
    You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

  21. Reading your story is eye opening. I’ve tried twice to commit suicide while being in a violent relationship. I’m so glad now it didn’t work but at the time I was angry with the people who saved me. My heart goes out to you and your gorgeous girls. I would love to say I’d love to get to know you and your girls and offer any help I could but I live in the UK. The one thing I can do is say if ever you need an ear to listen I can listen, I can offer my advice or give my opinion if that’s what you want or I can just read it and let it be enough for you that somebody is there for you to be able to say anything and know that you will not be judged but you and the girls will definitely be loved. Please k is that you are all in my thoughts everyday xx

  22. You are doing a great job and all you can do is give the girls what they need when they need it. Love to you all I will think about you everyday

  23. I’m so sorry in the loss of your husband. I do have to say you are doing a great job at keeping your family together. When I was young (11 yrs old), my father passed away from cancer. My mother was forced to get a job and support myself and my younger sister. I applaud women for stepping up to the plate and not bowing down under pressure. You are very strong & courageous. Your blogs were well written and good direction to those contemplating suicide. Thank you for sharing your story! ❤❤❤

  24. My heart goes out to you Danni, I am so sorry your lovely man took his life. I’ve been there, I was suffering from depression,thought that after 14 years I had it under control and then like a landslide it hit me. Believe me when I say this, nothing you could have done or said different in those few weeks before Denny took his life would have made the outcome any different. Under no circumstances think “what if I had done something or not done something”. In my case it hit me while I was away on business, I was feeling down after a few bad days with no sales and felt worthless, on my own in a hotel room in Plymouth seafront. I was taking a photo of the sea view out of my 8th storey window when it struck me “if I lean just a bit further out with the phone in my hand, then pain would stop, they will think its an accident and my wife and 2 children will be rid of a useless father and get a load of money from the life assurance to be better off” What stopped me? A guardian angel maybe, because searing across my mind came a vision of my two lovely children and my wife in floods of tears (very much as your heart rending video) and it pulled me back from the brink. Men need to talk about how they feel more, it’s not weak to be depressed, it’s where we have been strong for too long. Now my family knows how to support me, I fight it every day but one of the most important things is not allow negative people be around you. I make it plain that I suffer from depression,share it with business colleagues and acquaintances. I’m not brave “coming out” if thats the right phrase, I desperately want men to know that they dont have to take that last drastic step of suicide. If by me saying to the world “I have depression but try and deal with it every day” and it saves just one person, then my reprieve was worth it. I’m not religious in a formal sense, but I do believe that our destiny is decided by a higher power but it’s for us to tread our own path & not blame a deity for our mistakes. When human kind realises that all religions are one, then a better world will exist, I pray that each day my prayer or my kind word can stop a person going down that route your lovely man did. The darkness will end even if the pain only becomes a subdued ache but your love and your husbands love is eternal.

  25. I’m hurting tonight but I keep coming back to this post. I may be hurting but if I go, i’ll only be passing on the pain. I can’t do that.

  26. Thank you for being so honest and sharing your feelings and your story. Please keep doing what you are doing to stay alive. Your son needs you to stay. You have a purpose for being here. There would be a huge void without you that would be felt by many. You are loved.

  27. It is heart braking I lost my big brother Chris on march 26th 2011 just 1 day before his 33rd birthday he left behind my 3 year old niece it was so hard watching her miss him so much. and SEP 11th 2018 my nephew aged 19 took his life its very hard to go through and face my heart and prayers go out to you and your family

  28. i want to tell you how grateful i am that you shared your story, no matter how unbelievably painful it is. i struggle with mental health issues, i have since i was very young. i’ve attempted to take my life multiple times in the past and have urges to do so even now after years of therapy and meds. i have a little boy who depends on me now, and i fight myself for his sake every day. seeing the pain you and your girls have gone through has truly stuck with me and strengthened my resolve to never leave him by choice. your husband’s life and death will not be in vain and has already made a difference. thank you. thank you so much.

  29. May God be with you and your girls. May He comfort you and keep you. I DO know what you’re talking about and I would like for you to know that it WILL get easier. It truly will. You are in my prayers. 🙏🏻❤️🙏🏻 Also, I am praying for you, Dee….

  30. My son in law took his life before my grandson was 4 months old. There are times when I see him (now 4-1/2 years old) looking longingly at other little boys his age with their “daddy” and it absolutely breaks my heart for him. There are times when I’m so sad for him that he never got enough time to know or remember his dad, & then I think of the other alternative of what if he were old enough to remember the suicide? Would that not be even worse? My daughter is 27 and has not remarried or even really dated anyone much in the past 4 years. It’s really hard to be a young, single parent and widow, which she became in an instant in time, an “instant” can change so many lives. I too would plead with anyone considering taking their life to reach out, change that “INSTANT” before you cannot take it back. Pray for my family and I will pray for yours.

  31. Dani My condolences to you and your beautiful family. And thank you for your blogs they will definitely help another that is experiencing suicide.
    Dani I read where you said you don’t cry, please don’t be offended when I say this…. You need to cry, let it all out whether it be to your family or friends. You need to release the pain from within so your healing can begin. As mothers we all know our babies feel our pain it’s a natural sense. So let all the pain go xxx May Heavenly Father watch over you and your babies and provide the comfort you need.

  32. Your story, although very tough to read, shows what a strong person you are. Your sweet girls are going to learn so much from you in life.
    Thank you for sharing this amazing story about lifes trials and what happens in real life to those left behind. I will share with as many people I can.
    I pray you keep your strength and your girls broken hearts can heal and remember the good!!
    God Bless You Dani

  33. I too know what you are feeling, someone we loved took her own life March 29,2019. She has left my son with such emptiness it’s been 13 weeks and it feels like yesterday. I think of her daily and don’t understand why she done it, we thought everything was going well. She is truly missed , she was tired of her pain.😔

  34. My heart goes out to you, as the partner of someone who struggles with these issues this has been a harrowing look into the “what if’s”.
    I am glad you are surrounded by support and able to provide a safe space for your girls to gain their balance again.
    I know there is nothing I can say that hasn’t already been said, but my condolences to you and your family, and the biggest thank you for speaking out about what happens after…

  35. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I have no words right now that I can say that will take away your pain or even comfort you. I will keep you in my prayers, and pray that God will bring you rest and peace for all 3 of you!
    Shelley

  36. 10 years ago my 35 year old nephew took a 45 and shot himself in the head. Over a woman. It only took 2 years for my loving devotional sister to die of Broken Heart Syndrome. I grieve everyday for these two people that were so very loved. I don’t know why Roy did what he did. I don’t know the trials that took him from us. I don’t want to know why my sister grieved her self to her death. They were so loved. I do know that from that day to this one, I have become a very nosy person. I stay all up in the business of my loved ones. I get in their business. I watch very closely for the signs. I promise my self this will never, ever happen to someone I love. Prayers for your family. May Out Lord heal your lives.

  37. You have saved my life with these post , thank you so much for sharing, I constantly think people will be better off without me and that they will hurt but get over it. By hearing you story I have learnt that isn’t simply so .

    I don’t know what to say, but I really felt the urge to reach out. I have 2 daughters and they have no father figure already and I always say to myself that my youngest will be fine without me as she’s only 2, but reading your story, that might not be as true as I like to make myself think.

    Love is being sent to you from my family to yours. Thank you for being strong enough to share your story and save many lives. And I’m sure if my daughters new they would thank you for saving my life as well !

  38. I haven’t even watched the video and I’m absolutely heartbroken for you all
    So bad that I’m crying because of how you must feel💔

  39. I love your message. I just found your blog.

    The biggest struggle I have connecting with your message is this. While reading your story, I wish I could connect. I wish I could find strength. But looking at my life, I can easily find a dozen differences. If I wasn’t here, there’s no children on this planet that would miss me. I have some family that would be sad, but I can’t imagine anyone being depressed because I was gone. Nobody’s daily routine would be impacted without me. Work would have me replaced in 24 hours, tops.

    I’m soooo sorry for your loss.

  40. I such a horrible thing to deal with. The frustration is overwhelming. The “Why” am I thinking about this.
    “Why” can’t I make it stop
    “Why” is this happening to me.
    “Will” this ever end.

    You can’t see any light or crack in the pain. There is no sense of hope or feelings that things could get better.

    I found the system to be very poor. I was lucky that I had a counsellor who had been through depression and medication. A lot of counsellors or behaviour experts or head docs have never experienced anything like what this lady or others went through. They can’t possibly understand how it feels.

    The best thing I did was I realised. Not all doctors are good. Not all medications are good. My will to survive was my children and I had to take control of the situation. I dumped my shit doctor and let the others know I meant business and I wouldn’t except short answers to questions. I used different forms of therapy like, exercise, music, meditation, CBD and Riki. I got myself off the 2 of the 3 meds I was prescribed and I work at it everyday. I used to do these things because I had too and now I do them because I enjoy the feeling of being secure in my own thoughts. I control me headspace.

    I am saying the above not for praise but to try and point out, if someone is not working out the way you like it or some medication is not right. Switch it up and fuck them all until you are happy. They don’t know everything. Take back control at the situation and don’t rely on them for the solution. Use them as a guide. Nothing more.

    You are not alone

  41. Sending you and your darling girls huge love and strength from Australia. Your strength, honesty, courage and raw emotion coupled with your resolve to ensure that your struggles are not in vain is a rarity, and your daughters are so blessed to have you as their protector. I love your determination to stay true, as much as you possibly can, to the values important to you as a parent. I’m sure you do not feel in balance at all right now but from reading your posts, I think we can all see what a truely amazing human you are. I so wish I could do more for you all than this comment, but from this side of the world that is difficult! Keep at it you wonderful Mumma-Bear xoxox

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