We haven’t had a ton of visitors lately, but we happened to have several on Thursday. Again, I was told “You are so strong.” And this is what I have to say about that… I’ve just been through a lot of stuff. None of it by choice. I don’t want anyone to suffer the amount of pain I have had to endure in my life thus far. It’s not fair and it’s too much for one person, it really is. But I’m not strong because I want to be or choose to be. It’s just because I have to be. I don’t have a choice. And I’ve been built up through each trial I’ve been through. I guess why I’m saying this is because someone reading this will say “I have more on my plate than I can handle. I can’t take it anymore. I can’t do it.” Yes you can. You absolutely can. It sucks and it’s hard and you may hate it but you can do it. If I can do this stuff then you can do yours. I was not raised with major trauma in my childhood. I haven’t always been so resilient. It all has hit just over the last ten years. And even with my anxiety, I’ve survived. I’ve even thrived for a lot of that time.
But here’s where it gets tricky. You have to let go of your pride and allow others to help. Do your things better than I did and don’t wait to let people in. You have to be willing. None of us can make it through this life alone. And sometimes you may even need to ask for help.
Because my trial now is so visible, so many are offering to help. People know what happened, people see the obituary. They see where I’m at and they can see an obvious need, right? But to you who has depression or suicidal ideation that no one knows about? Get over yourself and FIND A WAY to ask for some help. No one can do this life alone. Sorry if you think you can. Let me tell you from experience, there are other people around you for a reason. I know you don’t think you can do these hard things, but you are adaptable and malleable and brave and so much stronger than you think. You just haven’t been able to pull it out of yourself yet. It took me a long time too, but I found it. And I’m still finding more strength each day. But I didn’t find it by doing this on my own.
I don’t know how to express how much I hate having to get help. I hate that people have to come in and help me clean my house or take care of my kids because I’m not capable of doing it all right now. I hate it. I’m so so grateful for it. But I definitely hate having to do it. I also know it’s a necessity right now. If I want to be successful in life, get these girls through it, heal and become whole again, be able to move forward someday, give us stability and a healthy and happy future… I have to have help right now. Otherwise we won’t achieve those things. I can’t do it on my own. So please reach out for help. People love you, no matter what you think. And if someone shuts you down cause they suck, go to the next person. Or the next. Until someone helps you get what you need to thrive.
On Thursday a stranger showed up at my house with 2 dozen orange roses (orange was Denny’s favorite color). I normally don’t (ever) let strangers in and I have a thousand cameras and things around our house to protect us (and because I’m paranoid), but I felt like I needed to.
I followed my gut and asked him in. He shared a bit with me and I with him. We shed some tears together. He’s kind of a friend of a friend of a friend. But he’s from another state and in town only for a few days. He let me know other people are hurting for us. He let me know that we were loved and being prayed for even by people I don’t know all over the place.
There are so many good people out there who want to help. We need to stop being so afraid of reaching out. We need to stop being so afraid of talking. I’ve been blessed to see so much good in the world through my trials. I wish I could share every instance of this. I wish I could even keep track of it all. But if you allow others in, you’ll see it too. Start by praying and asking your Savior or Heavenly Father or whatever higher power you believe in (or even if you don’t believe in one… talk to yourself out loud and say you need help). Then go with your gut and ask the people you feel like you need to ask. I wish Denny would have asked. I know he now sees how many loved him, way beyond his wife and children. He gets it now. I’ve actually had several people (with abilities greater than anything I have) tell me very clearly that they know for sure that he gets it now. If he could have seen the number of people he impacted who would be devastated by this, people he never would have imagined he could have hurt, he would have made a very different choice.
Don’t hold it in. Ask for help. Please. From someone who is grieving this loss. Ask for help. People need you.
And to my fleet of earthly angels who continue to uplift me and help me through this… thank you ❤️