Winnie with her daddy on her 3rd birthday 3/16/19 one week before he died ❤️

Tomorrow I have to do something once again for closure. I have to go pick up Denny’s things that were kept in evidence. I don’t normally put trigger warning, because I don’t think suicide should be a swear word. No one puts trigger warning before a post about cancer or Crohn’s disease. So how come if we put the word suicide it’s all of a sudden a trigger? We need to be able to talk about suicide without people feeling ashamed. That’s the problem here. It shouldn’t be shameful to say “I’m feeling suicidal.” Just like it isn’t shameful to say, “I’m feeling sick,” if you have Crohn’s. Or Colitis. Or Rheumatoid Arthritis. Or Fibromyalgia. Or Lung cancer. Or Diabetes. Or the flu. Or Croup. Which both of my girls apparently have now that started overnight (they were fine yesterday?!?!). You get it.

But whenever it’s something like details about a suicide, I will. So here it is. Your warning. And my own. I guess. It’s going to trigger me too. But it’s not a choice for me like it is for you. I don’t get the choice to be triggered by my husband’s suicide. I just have to deal with it and face it daily. But you aren’t forced to unless one of your loved ones takes their life. If that’s the case, hey! Welcome to the worst club of all time that no one wants to be a part of (and no one should be but that’s a topic for another blog post). But to everyone here, you’ve been warned.

It’s ironic in the worst way that its called a trigger warning. That’s how my husband took his life. With his gun. He pulled the trigger. It’s horrible. I hate that it’s something that people focus on too, like it was the most important act of his 35 years. It was influential. And made a lasting impact. And it was delusional. It was a decision brought on after years of abuse and addictions and toxic surroundings and mental illness. But it shouldn’t be something that we focus on. He did incredible things and influenced people for the better and made people laugh and feel loved.

So I hope this is the last time I have to focus on that final act. I have an appointment to go pick up his/our things tomorrow as his “next of kin.” This is going to be hard, but necessary. This time I’m taking my sister with me. And this time I’m more prepared. I think. But I know it’s still going to be hard. And it’s going to be emotional. And it’s going to be “triggering.” And it’s going to be a rough few days. But I need to do it. I want to do it.

I have to pick up the weapon he used to take his life. They warned me that they don’t clean it up. I’m really glad they said that. They did tell me that it is a closed box that I can’t see into so if I don’t want to tomorrow I don’t have to. I can take my time. The things I will be picking up tomorrow are his gun, his knife, a clipboard, his concealed weapons permit (go read the first few posts on the blog if you want to know about that-somewhere in there), and his suicide notes.

The clipboard is how I knew he made up his mind when he left our house early that morning. That’s where he wrote and put the notes, and he had his permit on there too. I was looking for that stupid clipboard all day when he left so I could use it to write down everything that had happened and everything I could think of to tell the police for his missing persons report. I didn’t find out until the next day that he had taken it with him when they told me they’d found him.

It’ll be surreal to hold his suicide notes in my hand too. Like how do you even decide what to write in those last few minutes? Did he write them hours before and then take a while to do ir? Did he write a rough draft? How was his handwriting so precise (I’ve seen pictures of them)? He had handwriting like a five year old normally. How did he have the patience to write like that? I’d literally never seen him write that well. It was still definitely his handwriting. But like a more perfected version.

Ugh. I’m sick. I keep having this horrible reaction when I talk about these things. I had it right after he died for a few weeks but I have only had it here and there until the last few days. Since reading the police report it has come back full force and often Every time I start to talk about it or him, I get dizzy and lightheaded and I lose my breath. I have to sit down. I have to tell myself to breathe or I have a panic attack. I also start to lose my train of thought until I just go blank and all I have in my brain is the image the police report put there. The image of when they found him.

My aunt (the social worker) told me the other day it means my brain isn’t ready. When we’re pushing and pushing and forcing ourselves to deal with something that our brain isn’t ready to handle, we have a physical reaction. So we just have to slow it down and try again later. Take a break for a minute. Walk away and come back. It’s just so hard to do right now cause I can’t get the image out of my mind.

But right now I am going to take a break and walk away. I’m going to go snuggle my girls. Make them feel better. And try to shut off my brain for a bit from it all. Wish me luck cause… it’s tough.

I decided that this means I’m going to take a break for a week or two from social media and the podcast and blog and everything. I’m sure you all can sympathize. I need to breathe for a minute. Get caught up on my house (you know how I’m doing based on the state of my house and let me tell you it’s not great). Get my taxes done haha. Maybe I should try to get my hair done. Anyone wanna come do it here for me? 😂 But I’m just tired and while normally all of this helps me, right now it’s not. I need to process a lot of stuff and maybe do some extra therapy.

OH AND P.S. if you are one of the lovely humans who emailed me about the social media position, I STILL NEED IT! And I haven’t picked someone yet. But I will get back to it in a week or two. If that is too long for you, don’t feel bad if you have to take out your hat. There were so many amazing people who reached out. I just haven’t had a chance to sit down and even read all of the emails. But I’ll get there. Be patient with me.

If you want to read the Salt Lake Tribune article about me and my girls, go to this link here: Salt Lake Tribune Article. Thank you Becky Jacobs!! She’s amazing and wrote a perfect article for us ❤️❤️❤️

If you want to read about our experience at the Out of Darkness walk by the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, see my recent social media posts.

If you want to know how to best help me and my girls, check out the post my sister Gabi did (on social media and on here), and feel free to share it.

Thank you for being here and for your endless support ❤️❤️❤️

Here’s a video of my cute girls to get you through if you’re obsessed with them like I am… (Piper’s facial expressions 😂😂😍😍).